The Mini TriathlonI was totally nervous driving out to Zuma Beach the morning of August 22. Eating my PB&J sandwich on my way there, my stomach started to feel funny. I know it's nerves so I deal with it. I get to the beach and set up my transition area. I'm nervous but distract myself by joking around with my teammates. We make our way out to the ocean and the fear begins to resurface. Coach Mike goes over the drill of how to get through the waves and such. I'm standing there scared but hoping I'll get through it and actually swim. I know it's going to be tough but I think I can do it this time. Coach sends every one out in groups and my group is the last since we are doing the sprint distance and there are only a handful of us. We go out, I notice Coach Mike staying at my side the entire way. I get through the waves and begin to freak out AGAIN! It's the same scenario as my first ocean swim and am having the panic attack AGAiN. I'm breathing heavy and Coach Mike is by my side the entire time. He tries to calm me down but my fears are getting the best of me. I trusted in my wetsuit and knew I wasn't going to drown but I couldn't get a handle on my breathing. I kept saying "I'm so tired" and Mike asked, why? We haven't done anything yet. Which was completely true I hadn't gone anywhere but past the break.
Coach Mike, being the amazingly patient coach that he is, takes me through the water slowly. First he says to go the to first buoy. But he then notices that the red one is closer. So he makes me follow him out to the path where everyone is swimming, which I think was in the middle of the 2 buoys . He then says, ok, let's go to the red buoy. I'm still freaking out, breathing crazily. I'm yanking on my collar saying that its too tight and it's choking me. We undo it a little and coach Ludo comes over and helps open it up more. I keep repeating "I can't do this! I can't do this!" They say, "yes you can Jane, look, you have 2 coaches here, you can do this." At this point, I realize I'm monopolizing the coaches. ~Sorry TEAM, i don't mean to take up all of their attention!~ I try to prepare myself to swim to the buoy. I take a deep breath and put my face in the water and start swimming. I take maybe 4-5 strokes and come up. I couldn't stay calm and started dogging paddling. I finally make my way to the red buoy where Ale is hanging out on a surf board. 
I stay there to catch my breath. Coach Mike wants me to tell him when I'm ready to go back to the beach and he'll take me back. I rest up and tell him I'm ready. We go back and I'm still just as scared as i started. Coach Mike leads me back, literally holding my hand the entire way and asks if I want to try again. At that point, it was 80/20 "no". He said that if I want to try again, just wave and he'll come out to me and walk me through it again. I walk along the beach and stand in front of where the first buoy aligns. I standing there seeming forever thinking if I was going to go back. I had decided, I need to go back in. I'm searching for Coach Mike in the sea of swim caps that are out there. I couldn't tell where he was and didn't see anyone noticing me standing there. Katie, one of my teammates, is walking towards me and is going in for her second loop. I attempted to follow her so that I could at least be with someone but i got cold feet. I walked a little further saw a big wave, and then turned back. I couldn't do it alone. I decided, I'm not going in anymore. So I get on my bike and finish the rest of the workout. 18 miles on PCH and then a 3 mile walk/run on the board walk. The rest of the workout out was fine. I was going slowly, mostly because I was down about the swim. I could've gone faster but i didn't care to, I was mentally defeated and the doubt of completing the tri was ever more real. The finish line was great, being cheered in by my the amazing Eastside team. I left the beach feeling really sad and unsure of my abilities. I call my sister and start balling and pour out all of fears and doubts about the race.The rest of the day, I was completely in a rut. I was depressed and didn't know where I was going. I had a fundraiser to go to in the evening and went but I was only halfway there, mentally. My SGV friends all asked about how my Tri-training was going and my eyes began to tear up and I said, "don't ask, I'll talk about it when I'm ready". I come home and go to bed early trying to attempt my ocean swim again the next morning.
I wake up Sunday morning, determined if anything, to swim, to make it out there, and to make this the day that I actually make it. I arrive at Ocean Park and met up with Talia, Ron, Ale and some other TNT alumni. Will and Adrianna were waiting on the beach for us. We make our way out and I'm nervous as hell. The life guard brings us over and warns us about the waves. I look at them and think, maybe this isn't a good idea for today. Ale and Ron, walk with me, one on each side. I'm freaking out. More than ever. We go in and we dive through the waves. The second wave, knocks me out and I tumble in it for a while. Ron is right there and grabs me and helps me up. The next wave is a big one and I get through it. As soon as I get up, the panic and the heavy breathing begins again. Ale and Ron try to have me relax and catch my breath. At this point, we're past the break and we're just floating. We float for a while for me to catch my breath. I get on my back to really relax and convince myself that I need to do this today. I'm somewhat relaxed and tell them I'm ready. Then determined as ever, I begin to swim. I take a few strokes and tire out again. Ale and Ron, so great, stayed with me the entire time. They remind me to not kick and to just swim easy. So after I catch my breath again we go. I stay focused. I swim. I breath slowly. I talk to myself in my head. I spot the buoy. I am swimming. I am SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN! I take a few breaks and then start up again. I can hear everyone that is hanging out at the buoy cheering me on. I keep swimming. I keep swimming. I get to where everyone is and am SOOOOOO happy! They tell me to keep going to the buoy, and I say "SHIT" and keep swimming. I slap the buoy and at that point, knew that I had concurred. It was an amazing feeling and couldn't have done it without all those people there and all of the "fear-handling" that Coach Mike walked me through before that. We swim back to the break, well I didn't go all the way back, yes I cheated a little, and then we swam back to the buoy. I took breaks along the way but I definitely had my confidence up. Every time I touched the buoy, I slapped it hard and then yelled out "SHIT" just because I was tired by the time I reached it....hehe We went out and back one more time, I touched the buoy a total of three times. We decided to go back out to the beach which I was VERY scared of. I was afraid to get caught up in a wave coming up behind me. Ron and Ale, always on my side the entire way, took me the entire way through. I kept swimming, looking for the wave to come. I began to see the bottom and tried to stand up a few times. The water was still neck level and Ron kept telling me to keep going. Afraid every time he said that I just kept swimming afraid that a wave was going to come. Finally I was about waist deep and CRAMP! My left calf cramps up and I'm freaking out that a wave is going to build up and crash on me while I can barely move. Ale and Ron run to me and help me stretch it out. Ale says, "we didn't catch any of the waves coming in but you get a cramp!" And then I thought, oh, are we already away from the waves? .....hahaha Knowing that I was in the safe zone, I stand there trying to stretch it out and get it relaxed. 
Mentor Will then comes to the rescue and picks me up (I bet he didn't think I was as heavy as I actually am) but he picks me up and carries me to the beach. Have I mentioned how GREAT the EASTSIDE staff is??? AWESOME!!! So that was it, Ale and Ron, thank you for staying by my side the ENTIRE way. Adrianna and Talia, thanks for cheering me on at every step. Will, thanks for taunting me about doing longer swims and for carrying me to the beach! Sorry about the middle fingers, I take those back =) Coach Mike, thanks for holding my hand during my major freak outs during the first 2 attempts. And thanks to my family, my friends and all of my teammates for believing in me when I really didn't believe in myself. I'm not saying that the next time I go out I won't be scared again, that I won't have a hard time again, that I won't freak out again. But having gone through the swim today, gave me the confidence that I needed to know it can be done. I needed that. I needed today to be a success, just for my mental health. I needed today more than anything and today was definitely a good day.
